Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Abortion, yay or nay?

The other night, in the pub, I was involved in a rather deep, and intense conversation with my friend about a very controversial, and touchy subject. So I thought I'd share my thoughts with anyone who cares to read it.

The topic which we were speaking of, was the big 'A', the life altering taboo that is 'abortion'.

We were discussing many aspects of this, such as, whether it's okay to abort a unborn fetus, if certain circumstances make it better or worse to have one, and at what stage does a fetus become a 'life'.

Let me start by stating, that I am pro-choice. I believe that it is a woman's right to decide to have a baby or not, however I do have a slightly hypocritical view on this and that would be down to the nature which the baby was conceived in and what quality of life said baby would be born into.

If the mother is at a stage where they can support another life within theirs, then I do not think abortion is necessary. If they were stupid enough to not use contraception and become pregnant then abortion is not necessary. If the baby has de-formalities found later on in pregnancy then abortion is not necessary. Just because you don't want a baby when you can support it financially, and mentally an abortion would just be selfish. *This is my opinion, please don't get too offended.

I believe that if a woman is raped and is then wrongfully impregnated with the spawn of an evil-doer, then why should she not be allowed the right to not give birth to a baby that when born, although she'd love it to death, she would still be reminded of how they were conceived, in hatred and violence, rather than love and happiness?

I also think that if the mother and/or father are not responsible enough (and by this I do not mean age wise) to bring up a baby then they shouldn't have one. If the mother is a crackhead and father a drunk, then what is that babies quality of life going to be? Yes, they could grow up to be the next manager of England, or the next Shakespeare but what is more likely, is that they are going to grow into the habitat where they have been born! I, for one, would rather have not experienced life than to live one that is filled with the hardships you'd witness living like that. Struggling for money to support a drug habit, stealing, fighting, hunger, sadness, a loveless home and extinguished morals.

The gift of life is fantastic, and a joy to experience, and some would argue that it is wrong to deny that gift to anyone, but I ask, can a fetus who has never experienced something really be missing out? This then raises another question, and that is 'at what stage does a fetus become a life', this is the hardest part of the abortion debate because everyone will have different opinions. My friend believes that life is created upon the sperm making a connection with the egg, and therefore life has been made and from this point onward an abortion would be wrong. I, on the other hand, believe that although the fetus is in the process of becoming a baby, it is not yet a life until it could stage a fighting chance of living outside of it's parasitical state in the womb, be it by machines or without. You wouldn't plant a seed and one day later dig it up and call it a rose, would you?

As I mentioned earlier, it is without doubt a woman's right to decided whether or not to terminate their child. This would be a hard enough decision without the pressure of peers and public judging her. Like these people in America who stand outside the clinics holding placards saying things like "murderer" and other slander. It is an utter disgrace that they feel like the guilting a woman into changing her mind will make anything better, then instead of their being a happy woman, there could potentially be a very unhappy woman, and equally as sad little baby.

What do you think on this topic? I'd love to hear you're opinions in the comment section below, be honest, be brutal, be anonymous, I do not mind.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Thomson begs to be dropped to youth team.

So, Hearts footballer Craig Thomson, 20, has kept his position at the Scottish club despite being placed on the sex offenders list earlier this month. There's something wrong here is there not? I just can't seem to put my finger on it.

He was convicted and fined £4000 for 'indecent behavior' towards two girls aged 12 and 14 over the internet.

So, not only is he a sex offender he is a paedophile!

The retards at Hearts have kept him on, as there were 'mitigating circumstances that assures his conduct would not be repeated', oh yeah, I forgot about that bit of legal legislation. "Officer, I promise I'll never drink and drive again if you let me keep my license...and my beer!".

I've never heard of such nonsense, it's disgusting!

Saying that, what do you expect? Footballers are, after all, a higher life form than us mere peasants and are exempt from most laws in Britain. I think I may need a change of career, I mean, I can mis-control a ball, completely miss an open goal and break the law with the best of them!

Craig has issued an official apology on the club's website where he states that he is 'truly sorry' to have 'let everyone down'. I don't think that those burly Scottish fans can except that, somehow.

Anyone who is convicted of a sex crime, especially one aimed at children should not be allowed to keep their job, no matter what profession you are in.

I suppose he can't be too much of a threat to children at Hearts though, considering kids don't look up to shit players.

This is appalling, what next? "Gary Glitter does show at Thai McDonald's"?

Children's charity Children 1st have called for him to be sacked, and I am with them on that one! I wish him all the best.. cleaning streets!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Frank Turner'd my life around.

I've just bought Franks Turner's latest album: " England Keep My Bones " and I must say it's excellent, as expected!

Frank Turner's music speaks to me on a very personal level, I absolutely love it. The mixture of Folk, punk and refreshing raw emotive lyrics is just perfect.

Unlike many musicians, Frank Turner writes and sings about very ordinary, everyday scenarios. This is a welcomed relief in this day and age where everyone is so obsessed with their self centered materialistic objectives, dreaming of money, cars and bitches. Frank Turner's music teaches you to appreciate the life you have, not for what you could have. His outlook on life, love and death may seem bleak at a first listen, but grow maturely from there on after. If you take the time to listen, and I mean really listen, and try to put his lyrics into your own life, you will find that they are not drab, dreary and depressing but relevant, thought provoking and magically captivating.

I urge anyone who reads this to buy his latest album, and obtain his older albums such as " Sleep is for the week ", and " Love, ire and song ". If you like pure and honest music that reaches out of the speakers, grabs you and never leaves your brain then he is the musician for you.

His music will perforate your brain, and change the way you live your life, as it did for me! How many artists can you say that about, eh?

Take the time to watch the video below, this song is especially personal to me. It is about losing somebody close to you, but realising that life has to go on.


Thursday, 23 June 2011

Human right, you're doing it wrong!

I am aware that I've already written a post today, but because I failed to please the Internet with one yesterday, I figured I'd write another.

As I have previously mentioned in earlier blogs, I think the world has gone mad. So this is my take on current world affairs.

With the release of Ai Weiwei, the Chinese artist and outspoken political critic who was, wrongfully, imprisoned for 2 months for campaigning for better human rights got my cogs turning. In recent years many influential people around the world have been rounded up and placed in confinement for exercising their right to the freedom of speech, many, without valid reasoning for their incarceration. Mr Ai was shackled up for 80 days without access to a lawyer or even a phone call to his family. Now tell me, is that or is that not a blatant disregard for a persons basic human rights? Many campaigns have been voiced about this and similar situations globally but yet, still nothing seems to be changing.

Ai Weiwei's fantastic Sunflower Seeds

Look at Libya for example. Literally hundreds of people have lost their lives protesting against an overpowering and unjust government. This is where it goes too far, when innocent human beings get killed by the very people who are in power to protect them. It's sheer and utter madness.

Libyan protesters.

There is a very distinct dissection between the West and the East when it comes to humans rights, and an even more prominent difference to protesting about said rights. If we have a think back to the London student 'riots' earlier on in the year, not one person was persecuted wrongly for their actions, and more to the point not a soul was shot, or beaten up for their beliefs of a better future. The ones who were charged were for the right reasons, because they broke the law, simple. Like that idiot who decided it'd be a fantastic idea to lob a fire extinguisher off of the top off a building into a crowd of people!

Organizations like Amnesty International do a great job, but are they doing enough? I don't think so. Actions don't always speak louder than words, but in these cases they definitely would. We as neighboring beings, have a duty, to stand up and shout shoulder to shoulder with others who are flat out refused their God given rights. More and more publicity is needed, many more protest have to happen, our voices need to be louder, so that one day, maybe, these tyrannous dictators will hear and, perhaps, change their ways.

To conclude, I think that we are in need of a massive revision into the way certain countries deal with even the most basic of human rights, in fact, I believe it is probably long overdue!

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it!" - Evelyn Beatrice Hall

Thank you for reading, i'd love to hear your opinions below.

Festival loo-natic.

Following on from my earlier rant about festivals, I've just read a rather disturbing yet strangely amusing story in today's 'Metro'.

A crackpot pervert thought to be a vagrant named only as 'Sky' was found hidden under a tarpaulin deep in the shit-tank under one of the porta-loo's at this years Hanuman Festival.

This failure of life was hidden there hoping to get a glimpse of people answering the call of nature.

When discovered and ordered to come out he was said to be wearing no shirt nor shoes and covered in Human excrement.

Police were unable to arrest the suspect on the scene and this scatman evaded capture and made off, still half naked and covered in shit, nice! The authorities say he is wanted on suspicion of 'unlawful sexual contact'...suspicion, what? "Sorry officer, I fell down the hole and thought I'd stay for a while, it's quite warm in here!" this dude's obviously guilty as sin.

It begs the question, how far would you go to get your kicks? I certainly wouldn't brave the stench and more importantly, several life threatening diseases of a cesspit just for a cheeky gander at a urinating woman or defecating man, quite frankly its disgusting, yet a quietly entertaining story. There are some strange, strange people in this world, oh, and you won't be surprised to read that 'Sky' is American.

Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Nice day for a muddy Reading.

Just how many festivals are there these days? There's absolutely millions of them it seems. Leeds, Reading, V, Bestival, Glastonbury, Hard Rock Calling, Wireless etcetera!

I've done the festival experience once, and quite frankly found it to be one of the most irritating, uncomfortable and tiring things I've ever done. First of all, you pay an absolute fortune to go to one of these places for the weekend, just to camp in a tent in a saturated field with thousands of over people and reach a feral state of hygiene towards the end of it. You stand around all day with nothing really to do, until the bands start playing and then you are forced to stand up for hours watching bands who you probably don't like anyway.

Then there's the queue for beers, and food. They are relentless, they cease to stop! I'm not really a fan of queuing anyway, but when standing in a line with strangers to buy a beer or burger for £5, it really gets my back up! More than likely your beer will get knocked out of your hand by some pilled up moron as soon as you've bought it anyway!

By far, the worst aspect of a festival has to be the toilets, or cesspits. Huge metal boxes on stilts above a colossal pool of excrement and piss! They expel a stench that would give a mass grave a run for it's money. No amount of sanitary wipes could kill whatever life which is harboring on the seat (if there is one). The toilets are pure and utter filth, and practically put me off for life!

There are plus sides to festivals, such as, seeing some decent bands, and meeting decent people, but in all honesty the best part of a festival experience for more was, going home!

Monday, 20 June 2011

Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner.

With it's deep, vibrant and all to often, violent history London is heaped with a mysterious aura that grabs an infectious hold on your collar and does not let go.

I love London, I cannot think of anywhere else in the entire world where i'd rather be. There is a certain charm to the city that far outweighs that of any other I have visited in the past. The winding cobbled back streets of Soho, the markets in Camden, to quaint little restaurants in Putney, all combined, make up, only a fraction of the millions of threads that weave together to build the intricate tapestry that formed this fantastic city.

There is also a ferociously dark history within the streets and walls of London Town. The Tower of London holds many horrendous tales of ordeals suffered within it's dungeons, torture, false imprisonment and death by hanging or beheading to name but a few. Jack The Ripper once had the whole of London in a frenzy, scared of the nighttime, afraid to walk alone out of fear of being attacked. He focused on young women, and often, after killing them would ,with almost surgical precision, remove their organs and to this day no-one really knows why. The days of the Black Death, when plague was writhe and the streets reeked of death, stale foods, and stagnant pools of human waste form a more detailed description into how horrible life in the city would have been. The Great Fire which spread trough this predominantly wooden town, almost destroying London in it's entirety. The fire, albeit extremely destructive turned out to be a blessing in disguise killing almost all the infestation of infected rats that carried the parasite which caused the plague.

I fully believe that London would not be the London that it is now without it's shadowy past. It has formed a rich blanket of culture that covers the fossils of old and replaces them with a new age of Londoners whose job it is to sustain the rough elegance that oozes from the streets, buildings, sewers and vast network of underground tunnels.

Within this new age, the past has not been lost. If you take the time to look up from the shiny exterior you will notice the older architecture that screams out that the London of old is still with us and is playing a huge part in the present day.

This picture practically epitomises the old and new combined!

All these things combined, to me make London the greatest city in the world. I love it, and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. It's just a pity I can't afford to live in the thick of it all!

There is plenty more to this deep city, but unless I want to be writing all day, I think I will save that for another time, and leave you all with a quote from English poet and writer Samuel Johnson.

“You find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.”
I am bored, and stuck for ideas, so I made a collage of things I like. :)

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Rabbi, dabby, doo!

A Jewish judicial court have ordered the stoning of a stray dog, who is believed to be possessed by the spirit of a lawyer who once offended the judges.

The dog entered the courthouse a few weeks back, and refused to leave. So then these extremely smart individuals figured it had to be a demon dog, and therefore should be stoned to death. What? It sounds plausible to me!

The spirit that was said to be haunting the poor doggy was that of a Lawyer who died 20 years prior to the event, but had to be the spirit causing all the bother because the judges had once said that the Gods would 'condemn his body to a dogs'.

This could only happen within a religion. It's so mental, it's unreal! It is even rumoured that one of the judges, obviously more cowardly than a dog, asked local children to carry out the sentence.

Luckily, the crafty mutt managed to escape shortly before the sentencing! Which is fantastic as well, not only were these idiots trying to condemn a dog to death, they were doing it to one that wasn't even present! Round of applause for those gents please!

It does make you think, that if they are stupid enough to pass ridiculous punishments out to dogs, then what else are they getting away with when it comes to dealing with humans? "Mary, you're going to have to die because you ate a cake that wasn't yours, and Hitler once ate a cake, so... yeah.. "

This world has truly gone mad.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Small man's syndrome.

This little fella is now officially the worlds smallest 'man' according to the Guinness Book of World Records.

My God he is tiny! He stands a mere 23inches off the ground, which is about the same size as a one year old toddler, but amazingly he is 18 years old! This makes him 3 inches taller than previous record holder Khagendra Thapa Magar.

I think rather than measuring them they should, in the wise words of Harry Hill, FIIIIIIGHT! That would be absolutely quality, a midget fight (Can you even call these chaps midgets?) to determine the ultimate small man!

I'm not sure that being that small would be much fun at all, I doubt there's too much running around getting into mischief like in the films, I could imagine a lot of health issues and a life full of scrutiny and embarrassment.

Although, i'd like to have one, put them in my pocket and take him around with me like a little mascot. Sit him on my shoulder and just show him off. He wouldn't cost much either, he can't eat a lot of food, or need much water, and his clothes would be damn cheap!

In all seriousness, I wish these dudes a long, happy and fulfilled life, but failing that you could always embalm yourself and become a china doll and have pride of place on someones living room shelf!

Friday, 17 June 2011

Hello, want to rape me?

On the 11th of June 2011 the sluts were out in London town. There were thousands of them in Hyde Park. By 'sluts' I am, of course, talking about the Slut Means Speak Up! anti-rape and sexual assault protest group, who stand by the extremely "radical notion that nobody deserves to be raped".

I, for one, am with them 100%. The main reason for the march on the 11th of June, was to oppose that absolutely mental belief that some people have in their heads, that women "deserve what they get" due to the way they are dressed. I think that that belief is absurd! Just because a woman would go out wearing slightly revealing clothing does not give anybody the right to lay their hands upon them, or put any part of their body into theirs without consent, or am I just being ridiculous?

Does that mean that if I wear a Manchester United football kit out today, then I will be playing for Fergie next season? Or, if I don a pair of camouflaged trousers means I will be drafted into Afghanistan and forced to kill the Taliban? Of course not!

We all have that very basic right, you know the one.. a human right, to wear and say as we please so, tell me if you can, who are we to question somebodies choice of clothes or words?

Let me, if you will, outlay one point to counter. It could be argued that woman do not necessarily need to dress so provocatively, and that having all your flobbidy bits out on show probably does attract a certain amount of negative attention, and this unwanted attention from some of the nutjobs in this world, potentially could culminate in some sort of sexual assault, but even then it is in no way the woman's fault that a man wants to forcibly advance upon her because of the clothes she chooses to wear.

I do, however, feel that some woman wear skimpy, revealing clothes as a excuse for more attention but understand that others choose this attire to feel sexy, and feel better about themselves and not for any other reason. I think that woman are beautiful and would urge them not to put themselves an unnecessary risk of injury, and let males love you for your personality, your eyes, your hair and not just for the boobs, body and legs you have!

I'd love to hear other people opinions on this matter, and I do hope that I am not alone in my beliefs.

Click Here!

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

OAP'd myself again!

I believe that in this life there is only one thing that is scarier than death, and that is growing old...really old.

The reason I say this is because when you get too old life seems to almost revert back to the beginning, you become a fully grown adult-baby! Unable to look after yourself, and have limited control over your bodily functions, speech and memory. It just doesn't seem like fun!

If you are unlucky enough to get so old and suffer memory loss, and if you could remember, you'd probably have to question what on earth was the point in living and creating all those memories that would then have been forgotten! Seems almost pointless doesn't it?

Personally I would like to grow old gracefully and pop my clogs when I am still able to function with relative ease. I do not want a carer, Stenna stairlift or walk-in bath! I would, however, settle for a mobility scooter, and I would trick that bad boy out for sure!
"Is it a bird, is it a plane? NO It's grandad rolling in a 200bhp lazychair!"

Elderly people are pretty damn annoying as well (although it's not entirely their fault), they walk so slowly in the high-street that I'm surprised they actually ever get anywhere, they love a queue in the post office, and if behind the wheel of a car are downright dangerous! It drives me mad! There's nothing more infuriating than driving behind little old Betty in her old purple Ford KA driving at 20mph in a 40 zone, slowing down for green lights and sometimes not even seeing the red ones!

I do, however, feel sorry for really old people. Especially if they're life exceeds the grand old age of 100, because then all you get is a party which may kill you due to the excitement and a weak ticker, and a mass produced card from The Queen. Tell me, just what exactly is Betty supposed to do with that, Liz? It's not even useful, she probably doesn't even know who you are anymore, it's like giving a paraplegic a bloody treadmill!

I do have the utmost respect for the elderly, despite the negative attitude this blog suggests, without them, we would not be here living the lives of comfort we enjoy today, and plus, who else is gonna to buy those cardigans that only they seem to wear, and eat all the Werther's Originals?

Live your life to the full, make the most of it and if you reach the latter stages of the golden years do one thing, make sure you've written some of it down! :-)

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Cool kids on the block.

Just what is the deal with these 'scenester' or 'hipster' kids that have popped up like a ravenous plague over the last few years?

Hipsters are people who have a large group of associates who all look alike but don't actually like each other that much. They have no real friends and bitch and back stab each other at the turn of a head, but yet despite this they are still super, awesome and cool. Alas they probably wouldn't describe themselves using those words, morelike, they are deep, free thinking trend setters. Better?

Cool Kids!

They walk around, strutting their stuff, or riding their 'fixey bikes' with a undeserved sense of self importance that could rival someone like Jordan's. They think that they are cool, and I can't understand why? Is it because they wear stupid T-Shirts with witty slogans on that they really don't care about like "Free Tibet" or "Meat is murder"? Or because they have 20-20 vision but yet wear lens-less over sized glasses? Maybe it's because they have a camera with them at all times which they most likely can't use, and edit all photo's on Photoshop to make them look 'vintage' and grainy?

Perhaps i'm just not 'hip' or 'stylish' enough to understand the need to 'stand out' from the other cool kids who look exactly the same as me, or listen to shit music which is cool because no-one 'normal' listens to it.

They are normally University hippies students, who recently learned about PETA, Greenpeace, or Amnesty International but don't care enough to actually help! Well, I suppose as long as you look like you do, then that's good enough, eh?

You are not cool if you are the only one who thinks that you are!

Dear Mr/Miss Hipster.

I hate to be the bringer of bad news but, this period of your life won't last too long. Soon it'll be time to spread your wings and leave the comforts of Shoreditch and be a big boy/girl, get some responsibilities and grow up. I'm sure that you are very sad at that horribly shocking news but you'll get over it. Write an acoustic song or poem, take some photos of shoes or vinyls, pry yourself out of your overly skinny jeans and have a lie down on your bed made from unicorn feathers. You will be just fine, I promise.

Sincerely, society.

Monday, 13 June 2011

Commuter says no.

I absolutely hate travelling to work on public transport. Give me the option and I'd far rather spend lots of money on diesel and sit in traffic then get on a packed train with all the other sheep! At least then you're in your own space, comfortable and in control.

Trains, trams and buses would be great if it wasn't for one little thing... everybody else! During rush hour they are a most impracticable yet unavoidable pain in the arse. You have to shuffle along like cattle led to slaughter, stand for ages on a overcrowded platform, or in the rain at poorly sheltered bus stops, then bundle on to the train or bus only to be squished and squeezed into one of the most awkward positions ever, tucked in nicely under someone's sweaty armpit. Then, to add insult to a very likely injury, you are repeatedly poked, pushed and nudged by people you don't even know, who think it's okay for them not to apoligise for scratching your eyeballs with their free newspaper!

If you're lucky enough to grab yourself a seat, then you are almost guaranteed to have an elbow wrestling match for the arm rest, or the even more pleasurable experience of having a stranger sleep on your shoulder!


In the summer trains are like saunas, and in the winter like freezers. The smell is a very noxious mixture of sweat, alcohol and homeless people's socks, which is extremely off putting! Buses normally come with a complimentary group of hoodies attached to the rear seats who play tinny rap music from they're, more than likely, stolen phones. Pushchairs, crying children and all to easily excitable and rowdy school kids often play a crucial role in making your daily commute less enjoyable than a funeral.

Now, don't think you can escape the fun, by having a little nap, because it's very probable that you could end up with no possessions left, or being happy slapped!

When you finally reach your destination, if nobody else fancies getting off, you have to fight your way past these unfriendly and unhelpful members of society who are either too stuck to move or too engrossed in their papers, books or music to even notice that you have said "excuse me, please" un-teen times! Then if you were quick enough to reach the doors when they were open, you are either ejected like some sort of ballistic and shot onto the platform or pavement as you rapidly pat yourself down to check if you still own what you owned when you boarded, or you are met with even more people who are too impatient to wait for you to get off before they start piling on in like some sort of crazed rugby game!

Out of rush hour, these problems rarely occur, but you still manage to encounter different nuisances. The most common one being, when sat in a train carriage with almost all the seats unoccupied without fail, some moron will still want to next to you, or is that just me? Maybe I have a stranger magnet in my bag that just attracts these people!

Unfortunately, all of us have to use these services at some point in our lives, and it's bound to get worse before it gets better. So I suppose we'll all have to just grin and bear it until then invent some sort of flying Jetson mobile or Teleportation, and I for one, can't wait!

Sunday, 12 June 2011

You've got to be Kidneying me?

Chinese teenager sells kidney for an Ipad

Did anybody see this story a little while ago? My lord, did it make me laugh!

This 17 year old fool kid, named Xiao Zheng, sold his damn kidney on the black market for £1,825, and if you ask me that's a fucking bargain! I've got to cash in on that, where the hell do I sign!?

Upon returning home with his brand new Laptop and Apple Iphone in tow (Yes Iphone, he didn't even get his precious Ipad!), his mother, suspicious of where the money to buy them had come from, quizzed him. Only to be told "Mum, i've sold my Kidney". What was he thinking? Did he think she'd laugh it off and go "Oh, you're are a silly boy, naughty naughty"? Obviously, this was not how she reacted, she called the po po in on his arse. To make things even better, when the police tried to call the middleman who arranged it all, surprise surprise, his bloody phone was off! Shocking, eh?

I think he may have taken the saying "Man, Ipads are to die for" too literally, I know Apple products are pretty cool and if you haven't got one you are seriously missing out, apparently, but I do not know anyone who would sell a body piece in order to obtain one!

Imagine the horror, when, potentially, his Father or Mother were to need a vital kidney transplant and he was the only available doner? Having to tell your own parents that they were going to have to die because you were too ignorant and self absorbed and sold one of yours already to buy a damn phone! I, for one, wouldn't want to be in that hospital room that's for sure!

I would maybe consider selling a finger (The little one, mind!) for a house or something of real significance, but not an Iphone! I mean, come on, those things will be out of date in a few months, and you'll be left with a shit phone, and one kidney! Smooth fucking move! Save some room at NASA, because this guy is a serious genius!

I wonder how much money Mr Zheng got for his brain, because he certainly doesn't seem to have one! Psst Xiao, maybe you could sell your other kidney to buy one of those bad boys? Just a thought..

Sweet scar, by the way!

Take some time to read Matt's blog.

A mate of mine has recently started blogging, and it's a nice read!

He's a very talented, yet brutally honest writer. Take some time to visit him, comment and share too!

Oh, the link!

Ta my pretties!

Saturday, 11 June 2011

Cramp my pride!

Passing your driving test is exhilarating, the sense of freedom is fantastic, being able to go wherever you want for the first time without any boundaries, providing you can afford the insurance and rising petrol prices these days, is a wonderful feeling for a young man to experience. So, why, I ask, do some young men decide to make their cars look like pure and utter shit? Do they not feel embarrassed rolling around in a 10 year old Corsa that looks like it has mated with a virus ridden transformer?

I admit, if done properly, 'souping up' a motor can look pretty sweet, but if done on job seekers allowance or government college grants it simply does not!

These crazy kids also love a massive exhaust! It looks like they've strapped a dustbin to the back of their car and drilled a couple of holes in to it. This results in the desired effect of sounding like a South African stadium full to the brim with Vuvuzala's whilst achieving a hefty cruising speed of 20mph! Ultimately making you look and sound wicked cool!

Almost all of these cars are equip with a spoiler, (spoiler being aptly named, i think!) normally consisting of a piece of stolen MDF, painted and glued to the boot having almost no impact to the cars streamlining capabilities at all! Why a car needs side skirts is beyond me too, it just seems like a lot of money to waste on something that'll get torn off by one of the many speed bumps that litter Britain's roads.

The stereo systems are super impressive as well, shaking the ground like Rick Waller fell out of bed! Normally poisoning our ears with some kind of Eastern European techno/rave compilation CD, that is 2 hours of pure and unrelenting beats, man! Tinted windows are also a massively important ingredient to the 'shit car recipe', most probably to hide your lobster red face from Joe public, or to stop you from seeing the fits of laughter that other roads users are in as your Nova rocks up to the lights!

There is nothing cool about buying a £700 car, and spending a further 1-2K on making it look like fallout from nuclear war in a Need For Speed game! Cars that are designed specifically by the manufacturers to look sporty, normally are, so please put the Fiesta away and leave it to the professionals! Now just sit back and enjoy the exhilaration that driving brings to you, without that sorry excuse of tin you call a ride!

Friday, 10 June 2011

Brains! Brains! Use your f&£k*^g brains!

I have just read a very strange and interesting story on the BBC News website which made me laugh, and I thought I'd share the funnies with you all!

A concerned member of the public has contacted Leicester city council and voiced their anguish at their lack of 'zombie attack' preparedness in the councils emergency plans! Well, of course, in this day and age of international terrorism, bio-attacks, global swine and other animal flu pandemics, tornados, flash floods and rapture warnings, I'm sure a zombie attack plan is greatly missed!

I have never heard such a ridiculous thing in all my life! This person is obviously an idiot, hell bent on disrupting normality with their crackpot theories!

I have seen around the interwebs a lot of zombie attack websites and always thought that these were joke sites and still hope that they are, but evidently some degenerates are taking it all too seriously!

I personally don't think anyone need worry and sleep restlessly at night panicking about an imminent and unavoidable attack from the undead anytime soon, the closest we've got at the moment is the drones of seemingly moronic brain eaters on a Piccadilly Line train in the morning!

Has this person never seen 'Shaun of the dead', 'Zombieland', or 'I Am legend'? An all out zombie society could be fun, stealing Mustangs, shooting shit up like a crazed Rambo, rolling around with your best mates, a sexy chick or really cool dog sounds fucking amazing!

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Totally addicted to Face(book).

I think the internet has taken over my brain, its trapped me into a world that isn't real, a world that is driving us all to social suicide, and that world is, Facebook!

I know, that most of you reading this will have got the link via Facebook, but that's the only way to advertise my ramblings!

Facebook, has got me in it's tight, social grip and the bastard isn't letting go! I find I check it when I wake up, before I go to bed, on the train to work, at work, on the toilet and if it weren't for the possibility of ruining my phone, I'd check it in the bath! What I have realised, by hiting F5 all the time, is that nothing really changes, yet I still check, and when something does happen, it's normally not very exciting like "Dave Jones just ate tomato soup!" and I still hit 'like!'.

Then there's this 'fraping' thing that people always do, which is annoying. People and their half-hearted attempt at being funny. If you're gonna do it, do it right! Not "Dave Jones licks balls" that is not funny, and it's very obvious what has gone on. You need to be inventive and make it subtle so that people actually believe it to be true!

I need something to get over my Facebook addiction, perhaps i'll go out and meet real people in coffee shops or car parks? Have a real conversation using words rather than the rattling of a keyboard.

Facebook is a great tool for socializing, it's wicked to arrange or organise a night out, and to speak to people whom you lost contact with years ago, but it's bad for letting every Tom, Dick and Harry know all about you and your business!

I would try and delete Facebook for a week or so, but I actually think it may be too hard. I'll have to ween myself of off Facecrack and move onto a lesser addictive, like Myspace, or Bebo. This way I can work my way, slowly, off of social networking sites and get on with my life!

I may not have 500 millions friends like Mark ZĂșckerburg, and I don't need to, I can actually see my friends, and after all, you can't have a cheeky pint and a night out with a computer screen! Just ask this guy;

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Rest In Fleece.

I hope you are all sitting comfortably as I have some very sad news to share with you all.. Shrek the sheep has died!

Have no idea who Shrek the sheep is/was? Good, because, neither did I!

Everybody, this is Shrek;

Shrek, this is everybody;

Right, now the formalities are over and done with, I can get on with telling you about this sheep. As you can tell by the photo old Shreky does not like haircuts much, yes sir, no sir, no bags full! Shrek managed to avoid the shears for 6 years by hiding in caves in New Zealand, thus making him a celebrity!

I can understand why this sheep was a bit famous, but I think they're are taking it a bit far when they start referring to him as having " unbelievable personality. He loved children and he was really good with the elderly in retirement homes." Hello, New Zealand? It's a fucking sheep!

He was put down recently, due to 'age related illnesses', or more than likely having too much hair, and overheating! I am willing to put money on the fact that this sheep is probably better off now, than before. I can imagine it was a horrible life being chased around caves for 6 years, like an extra from a Benny Hill sketch, by a maniac holding some shears! Having to meet old people are children couldn't have been fun either, because all they'd want to do is touch you, and I think it'd make Shrek feel cheap, dirty and used!

Shrek had helped raise over £75,000 for children's charities and his fleece was long enough to make 20 mens suits, in that case I reckon it was Louis Vutton chasing him around for so many years!

So join me if you will, in a moment of thought for Shrek. He was an iconic kiwi, loved by many, a hero and a pioneer, and I bet, he tastes bloody excellent with mint sauce!

Monday, 6 June 2011

B1ogWash: Yes Fam, you cool yeah?.......

B1ogWash: Yes Fam, you cool yeah?.......

Dick Griffin.

Leader of the BNP (British National Party) Nick Griffin (B. 1st March 1959) is an imbecilic! The man is an obvious bi-product of a family party that went horribly wrong! He is an obnoxious, mindless racist, who hides his facist agendas behind a mask; A political party who claim not to be. The guy joined the NF at the tender, impressionable age of 15, and I thought Cambridge graduates were supposed to be smart! He was also the NF's candidate for Croydon North West in 1981, and 1983, but he's not racist.. honest!

He and his idiot disciples claim to accept immigrants already living and working here in good old Blighty, but want to stop the influx of foreign workers all together. This sounds plausible and potentially quite appealing to a British citizen, but IF he were to obtain some power in British politics where would he stop? I think I remember a certain chap called Adolf who started off in a similar fashion! Oh, and speaking of Adolf, Griffin also denies that the holocaust ever happened, calling it "the greatest hoax of the 20th century" and the "holohoax", I think it's quite obvious that it did happen, mate! It's quite hard to just make up a myth about 6million people dying in camps throughout Europe, isn't it?!

I feel Mr Griffin should look a bit closer to home, and take into consideration his own voters and followers. These are the kind of Britons who are too fucking lazy to get off of their asses and work for minimum wage, but are also the same people who are first to moan about "bloody foreigners taking our jobs", that's funny I didn't realise that standing in line and collecting free money from the government was a bone-fide job, cretins! A breed of people who are quite obviously more suited for The Jeremy Kyle Show, than the workplace. I want to know where people would be without the Pole who will build you a loft conversion for less than Dave the cowboy from Dagenham would, or the Indian who will open a shop at the crack of dawn so that you can buy your sacred copy of The Daily Mail, or Sun, the African who will gladly take you home from your local boozer at 2am when you've drunk all your dole dosh on Carling and can't walk anymore or any other nationality who'll serve you your 12 Big Mac's, Nick? You fat fucking ball of ignorant hatred!

I do sincerely hope, that the BNP or any other racist faction never get political power in the U.K, oh they'll start with the illegal immigrants all right! ...Then the Blacks, then the Asians, then the Gingers, and we certainly don't want to anger them!

In all seriousness, the BNP and Peter Nick Griffin are a joke, a laughable excuse for a Party and should be treated as such, look at them as an episode of Family Guy, funny to look at but take anything they say or do as gospel and you are probably not worthy of bathing in Darwin's Gene Pool. Run yourself and nice bubble bath instead, and here, take the radio with you!

Sunday, 5 June 2011

Primadonna League

After watching England's shocking performance against the mighty Swiss yesterday, I got thinking about the state football has got into in the last 5-10 years. In particular the type of player we have nowadays, their behaviour, skill and more importantly their wages!

I don't understand how kicking a round piece of inflated leather around a field for 90mins can command somewhere between £50,000 - £200,000 per week! The sums of moolar that some of these players receive is absolutely ridiculous! I would understand if they were doing something spectacular to entertain us, but the majority of these people can barely do the job that they are paid for, and that is to control the damn football, and occasionally put it in the net!
I'd like to be the first to point out that I could not do what they do, and I admire their abilities and fitness, just watching them makes me tired, but I feel that I am making a valid statement here!

Some football players are role-models, and others are a disgrace! Some are extremely skillfull and some would be better suited at the Oscars for their performances on the football pitch! Alot of players also have stunning girlfriends and wives but yet still manage to feel the need to sleep with brasses, and then deny it when it's spread all over the front pages?

Speaking of affairs and such, alot seem to like sexing up Imogen Thomas, with a name that is an anagram of "A Smooth Minge", I now understand why! Those kinky bastards!

Premiership football players could just turn up, play the game, and go home...quietly. Why do they insist on staying around, and getting in my face? I don't care what David Beckham's kids new trainers are, what David James wants to do with his hair next or what Wayne Rooney's latest granny squeeze looks like! I just want to see some goals, and the only time I want to see them mentioned in the news, is in the sport pages of the paper, or if they die! (Or crash their cars, cos' that's always pretty funny!)

However, as much as I moan and winge about it, nothing will change, Pay these people less, and they will not play as well. It's gone too far, so I may aswell relax on my bar stool, pick up my Guiness, and drink myself stupid whilst watching England fail to qualify for Europe!

Friday, 3 June 2011

Judgemental Day

So, how are we all feeling after dieing horribly, or wonderfully depending on your faith, on the 21st May 2011? I for one, feel great! It's almost like it didn't happen.. oh wait!

I am aware that writing this piece so far after the event is almost pointless, but I was reminded about it today, and thought I'd share some of my thoughts on the matter!

The Rapture was predicted by Harold Camping, an 89 year old American Christian radio broadcaster, and this was not the first rapture he'd foreseen either, oh no, he's a serial offender is old Harold! He has made two previous failed attempts at scaring the world into believing that we were all to die, unless we believe in the Lord savior Jesus Christ- once on the 21st May 1988 ( I think we've found his favourite day of the year ), and again on 7th September 1994. As far as I am aware, they never happened, although I haven't done that much research and could be wrong, after all it does happen to the best of us, eh Harold?

This man is an idiot! FACT!

I am glad to have read that many major Christian organisations have distanced themselves from his beliefs, I mean, come on, they don't want to look silly now do they?

When will these pathetic little religious sects realise that by doing these type of predictions, or pranks as I like to call them, they are ultimately loosing themselves respect, not only from non-believers but from 'Brothers' from whom they claim to share a kinship with. You know you're doing something really wrong when The Pope rocks up and thinks you're a moron! I reckon even the Westboro Baptist Church are sitting in their cult camp saying "Look at this nutjob, at least we know we're right!" whilst high-fiving and shit!

I do feel sorry for Mr Camping though. When you are 89 years old, anyday could be the end of the world.. for you, and where's the harm getting others in on the fun? I think Mrs Camping should have kept a better eye on Harold, instead of trusting him to take his pills daily! He probably didn't read the bible at all to obtain this predictions, he most likely got it from reading the toaster, or one of those Goosebump books with 'Turn to page 7, or back to page 2' at the bottom.

Unfortunately we still can't rest easy in our beds at night feeling that the Rapture is behind us, because Mr Camping has admitted that he 'mistook' the reading, and Judgement day is actually 21st October 2011! Yes, Harold we believe you!

Although, take one thing if you will from Mr Camping, and that is to live everyday as if it is your last because after all, as Harold is well aware, it could be!

Thursday, 2 June 2011

Jeremy Vile.

I used to look up to this man, I had full faith in what he was doing was morally correct. Then it dawned on me that the man is a hypocrite! He is very quick to point out the failings in others, albeit he is no saint either, what with his gambling addiction (which I may add was mainly funded by stealing money from his first wife), the breakdown of his marriage, the affair he conducted in order to obtain his second wife, and there are also rumours of him using the services of 'ladies of the night'.

He drags these halfwits onto the stage, shouts and embarrasses them in front of the crowd who take an obvious pleasure in looking down upon the souls airing their dirty linen in public, then after he's finished berating them he does a very good Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde impression and all of a sudden he's now their best pal. It's just not on!

I once heard The Jeremy Kyle show described as "a human form of bear-baiting", and that is a perfect description of what it actually is! These poor people who, let's face it, probably don't know what day of the week it is, let alone why they are being forced in front of a "nationwide" audience and made to cry/shout/mutter/pour their little hearts out to people who are undoubtedly laughing at them, and thinking "I am so much better than you". You can also tell that the participants of 'Jezzers' show are socially retarded when they think "Smart Casual" consists of Reeboks, tracksuit bottoms, a Primark shirt and gold or missing teeth!

Then to add insult to injury he brings out this bald man who, i'm sure masquerades as a Willy Wonker-esque crackpot chef in his spare time, will continue to patronise them for a futher 5 minutes!

However, it's not all doom and gloom. He truly is their friend, as he promises to keep contact with the 'guests', and if they are good as gold and do everything Heston, Graham tells them to, they will be invited back, yay, (provied they haven't been sectioned, placed in prison, or OD'd on some class A drug) and maybe get a wollipwop!

The majority of people who watch this programme are exactly the type of people who go onto it. The fact thay they watch it during the day when they should be working is proof enough!

So the next time you catch a glimpse of The Jeremy Kyle Show think of your hard earned tax money and look who you are supporting:

NB:- Anything written here is my opinion only, unless stated otherwise, please don't let it offend you.

Wednesday, 1 June 2011

Clapham Injunction.

Is it just me who could not give a single fuck about so-called 'celebrities'?

These poor excuses of grown men and women, are an embarrassment  to the rest of society. They strut around with a undeserved sense of self importance for.. what? Just because you are born into wealth does not give you a God given right to be a role model, especially if their idea of role modelling is sniffing powder up their noses, prancing around carrying little fucking rats in handbags, and glowing like the Sun.

This is not interesting, and the thing that amazes me is that there are T.V channels/programmes/magazines dedicated to these people and, we are all guilty ( at least once ) of watching/reading about them. I just can't understand the obsession with idolizing idiots! It may be my opinion but i'm sure I am not alone in this belief.

I blame Big Brother for the birth of this seemingly uncontrollable plague of Z-List celebrity. One person gets a Repping job with Butlins from it, and suddenly everyone in the entire country wants in, it even went so far that we watched poor Jade Goody's life unfold before our eyes, like a fucking soap opera. That poor woman was baited up to and even after her death, for appearing on a reality T.V show!

A proper celebrity, in my eyes is someone who, be them famous or not, is a decent role model, not just to children but to everyone. Someone who uses intelligence to aide the rest of us, someone with genuine talent who isn't too cocksure about it. Someone you'd want to have at your dinner party!
Just for one second imagine having THIS at your house..


Accompanied by this:

It'd make throw up my Brioche for sure.

To conclude, here is a list of 'celebrities' I disapprove of:
  • Paris Hilton
  • Her Dog
  • Her Pal
  • The Cardashians 
  • The Essex people
  • Ronaldo

Et Cetera.

Oh, and this guy;