Tuesday, 25 October 2011

Winging it, on a prayer!

I recently read something about a person with HIV who sought out a 'cure' from a chruch, and after being 'cured', died from AIDS. No fucking shit, Sherlock. What exactly were they expecting to happen?

If I were to pick one thing out of all the things wrong with religion that annoys me most, it'd be these retarded cult-esque 'churches' who claim to heal the sick. If there were any proof that an idiot waving his hands in your face and throwing some over glorified water in your eyes could rid you of an ailment don't you think that everyone would be trying it out? Somebody who is declared paralyzed from the waist down will not be healed by prayer and priest, they will ultimately spend the rest of their lives in that wheelchair, someone who is blind will not see again with faith, a person who has cancer will not get the all clear through wishes and fairy dust alone, if any of these people were to be healed it'd be through research, science and medicine, not an archaic belief based on a bunch of nonsense. I understand that people who attempt these miracle cures probably have nothing else to loose, medicine has failed them and why shouldn't they go for something that won't work, but may make them feel better? There's no harm in using a crutch to make life seem easier every now and then. However, when the people behind the 'Churches' are charging hundreds of pounds in order to do this trickery, that is where it becomes an inhumane, immoral con.

As much as I don't believe in God, or any religion, from what I understand, these people are not men of God, they are the complete opposite, they do not act in a way in which the church commands. Stealing money from the sick, issuing false promises, and denying some people of medicines, or preventative measures against disease are not Godly ways to act, fact!


Hmm, this sounds plausible, sign me up!  

I am all for people to believe whatever they want, if you want to believe that the earth is only here for our pleasure and that we all have a deserved place in the universe then go ahead, if you think a giant Spaghetti monster birthed us all, knock yourself out, if you think aliens from distant universes impregnated the earth and we all spawned from a volcano then be my guest, but come on people, be smart and if you are ill go to a qualified doctor and seek help rather than some backstreet conman who will rinse you of your money, cast a spell on you and heal you're broken spine and you will walk again! (although you may have to leave it a few days before you try to get out of your chair, because after all, your healer needs time to run away!)

We, as an advanced society, should stop believing in tales of old religious mumbo-jumbo and apply some logic to the way we see the world, search deep and research hard for an actual plausible 'meaning' of life, and if there isn't one, then so be it! We all have a limited time on this earth, we should learn to accept this, and just enjoy it. It's not how much time we have, it's what we do with it that counts! Be a freethinker, break out of the box and enjoy life for what it is, not what you want it to be!

Goodnight, and God bless.

Tuesday, 27 September 2011

ITV what you've done there..

I haven't been too hot on writing recently, hence the long period between this, and my last post.

However I've just seen that the IRA is trending on Twitter, and naturally, checked it out, and what I read made me laugh, a lot!

So, it seems those idiots at ITV, decided to make a documentary called "Gaddhafi and the IRA", or some shit, and within this epic piece of T.V mastery they show some footage which they have claimed to be actual video evidence of the IRA shooting down a British Army Helicopter, however, this footage turned out to be fake, and not only was it fake, it was footage from a fucking computer game!

The game, ArmA2, is a tactical shooter and loosely based on actual war. The game is set in that world renowned fictional region "The Chernarus", and involves various fictional conflicts.



What has made me laugh about this, is that the massive media clowns behind the Beeb, and ITV, often in documentaries or news articles, tell us, that one day the gamer will no longer know the difference between reality and the cyber world, and so it seems, they have blazed a trail, that none of us, with any degree of sanity, will follow!

I will put the link to the actual footage, and if you watch it and can't tell that it's from computer game, you need to go to the opticians and put in an order for one of those funky sticks, and a Lab quick smart!

Check it out.

Wednesday, 10 August 2011

BRB; Gone out looting.

This past weekend has been totally shocking, and makes me feel very ashamed to be a Londoner. The mindless thuggery throughout the city was utterly disgraceful, completely inexcusable.

Rumour has it, that this all started because some fella got shot and killed by police on Thursday, and it sparked a unstoppable chain of rioting and looting. I'm sorry, but I know this is bullshit, there is noone way all these children cared about the shooting, they just wanted to run a muck in a seemingly lawless city.



The police did not do enough to halt the violence, I feel this is attributed to them being criticized for 'using too much force' against the students earlier on in the year. So what does that mean Mr Chief of Police, do absolutely fuck all? Wise.

From footage on the news, and what I have seen in my own town or Croydon, many places looked like a warzone, or a scene out of I Am Legend, desolate and empty, police everywhere and buildings smashed up or alight! It is completely despicable. There is no justification for idiotic, sporadic outbursts of aggression! I even heard some fools comparing these past couple of days to the Egyptian protests, is that not one of the most silly things you've ever heard? The Egyptians had something to stand for, they were fighting for a better political state and better human rights! Meanwhile in London, we were fighting for Iphones, T.V's and 14year olds who wanting their taxes back! Hmm.



The main problem this weekend, from what I can conclude, is that these children are not scared of authority, they have no respect for the police. Especially when the police have no power in containing these thugs by using more force, slap them about a bit, if they are big enough to give attitude to the riot police, they should be adult enough to take the beating!

Now for the parents! What the fuck are these infant's parents doing?! Do they not care where their child is? "Where have you been Leeroy? They're nice new trainers!" If the child is not old enough to be arrested, then the parents should be instead, or better yet sterilized, or shot.

As I mentioned before, I am simply embarrassed by the completely ridiculous behaviour over the weekend. I have lost my faith in the police, they were useless, and I believe that the reason it didn't kick off yesterday was because the children's Red Bull rush had run out and they needed a little sleepy, it had nothing to do with the more police on the beat.

One thing that brought a massive positive from a negative situation was the people of the boroughs coming together to either chase off the rioters, or clean up the aftermath.

I feel that we have not seen the end of action like this, I just hope the police are a lot more prepared next time. Oh, and I must extend my gratitude to Mr Cameron for cutting his holiday short to come and ride into town on his chocolate unicorn waving his 'lets all be friends' wand and saving the day, thank you Cam, you're a gent.

Stay safe out there.

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

Croydon your best clothes and join us for a party.

Hailing from Croydon, I feel I should maybe write a little bit about my hometown and maybe, if only slightly, help to eradicate the gloomy reputation it has gained over the years which means we are looked down upon somewhat by 'proper Londoners'.

After having a discussion with The Half and Half Bar on Twitter about some of the social gems that Croydon has to offer, I've decided to compile a post about my favourite parts of Croydon, and also some of the worst.

Croydon is a huge, bustling town situated a mere 9.5 miles from London's Charing Cross, and as mentioned earlier has a rather tainted reputation, especially in the last few years, mainly because children seem to think it's okay to stab each other over a different school or post code. This is a rare occasion here, although it seems gets more attention than some of the other, more inspiring aspects of this town.


Queens Gardens, Croydon

In center of town there are hundreds of shops, which are more than enough to satisfy your wife or girlfriend for a couple of hours, although seating for bored males leaves a lot to be desired. There are also plenty of eateries for your taste buds to enjoy.

When the sun goes down, Croydon comes into a new, more vibrant self, with Bars, Clubs, Restaurants and hoards of people mingling around getting their party on! (This is most nights of the week, in fact). Many people may know about the clubbing and drinking scene here, what with the Reflex, Lloyds, Yates', and always heaving Tiger Tiger, where cheap drinks, polo shirts, and slick gelled hair is a priority, but however, if you are of an age where loud music, drunk 18 year olds, and the occasional fight just aren't your cup of tea then I would suggest moving your focus away from the center, and more towards the southern end of the High Street. Here you will find a completely different atmosphere, a more relaxed, more adult, a seemingly more sophisticated one. This would start with Black Sheep Bar where the hip, trendy-ites of town go to get down, although I feel this bar has lost it's alternative feel of late, what with the influx of the Dubstep and Drum'n'bass culture that is looming over London, if not the country in general. Onward, slightly, we find a lot of Yuppie-esque bars, and cosmopolitan restaurants where, albeit pricey, food and drink is of top quality!

This part of Croydon seems to me as if it is striving to be as cool and trendy as Clapham South, Balham or even Islington, but something just isn't working. Is it a lack of Advertising? Do people simply not know that beneath Croydon's Chavvy exterior there is a mature, more alternative side waiting to burst out? Or are people just put off by this exterior, and then choose to not give it a chance? Luckily enough, we are getting a massive revamp within the next 10 years, that may help bring the kind of people we need to boost the culture just waiting in the wings for it's chance to shine, and I for one, really hope it works! Although for now, the best thing to come out of Croydon is the Croydon Facelift, and that is truly a shame.



I would advise, anyone reading this from London, and surrounding areas to visit Croydon for a night out, but head away from the hustle and bustle and find yourself a hidden wonder that may shock you and change your opinion of my town. I would advise hitting up Half and Half for a few world beers and tasty cocktails and then just explore and see what you find!



No matter what people say about Croydon, I am proud to be from here, and I hope other people will see it for what it is, and not just the man-made media mockery that it has become.

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Back to the 90's

Coincidentally I watch watching some old episodes of "Kenan & Kel" today, because I'm still a big kid at heart, and then I noticed that they were trending on Twitter. This got me thinking about all the old school programmes that I loved as a young-ling! Maybe I'm getting old, but I just think that kids T.V isn't the same anymore!



In the late 90's and early Naughties we had great T.V such as Kenan $ Kel, Sabrina The Teenage Witch, and Saved By The Bell, and I have no shame, although maybe I should, with admitting that I still watch them if they're on the box!





The 90's brought a lot of joy to my generation! Here's a list of things I remember from around that era;

-Power Rangers
-Teenage Ninja Hero Turtles
-Pokémon
-Tamagotchi's
-Mario Kart
-Goosebumps
-Duke Nukem
-Original Grand Theft Auto
-How?
-Chucklevision
-Snake!
-Panda Pops
-N64
-and many, many more!




If you loved your childhood as much as I did, comment below and tell me your favourites!

There's nothing like a bit of nostalgia on a Tuesday afternoon!

Here's a clip from Kenan & Kel for your viewing pleasure!

Monday, 25 July 2011

There's Norway i'm going back to Rehab.

A few days ago, Norway was hit by a devastating terrorist attack, oh wait, I'm not allowed to call it that because the fella was white and Christian, so in that case, Norway was hit by an attack by some Aryan nutter, who looks like an evil villain from a Bond movie. He is responsible for the innocent murder of over one hundred people in a bomb attack in the center of Oslo and a mass shooting at a youth center campus on Utoeya island







However, just one day later we were informed that Amy Winehouse had "tragically" died from a delicious cocktail of Heroine, Cocaine, Ecstasy and Ketamine (Yummers!). Suddenly the shockingly quiet hive of public outcry that is Facebook came to life with status' like "OMG!!! AMY wINehouse RIP Leg-end! :( :(!" and I thought to myself, where was the shock and surprise when 100 innocent people were brutally slain a day previous in Norway? Please don't get me wrong, any death is sad and deserves some mourning, and for such a talent to destroy herself and die so early is, of course, slightly sad, but I feel that we have been let down by our celebrity obsessed culture whereby people feel it is more worthwhile to get upset over a drug addicted musician whose acts of self destruction weren't particularly shocking, than the mass murder of innocent children!



Amy Winehouse had a life just like those 100 people in Oslo did, and by rights deserves the same respect that they will receive, but I feel that people do not have their priorities straight. I feel that our generation are more concerned with what the celebrities latest diet is rather than politics and world affairs which will, ultimately affect us more! I blame the media as well for the idolization of crackhead singers and stick thin models. Certain newspapers would rather give more pages to the untimely death of a drug addict than to victims of a horrific and vicious attack! It's all wrong, we all need to sort it out. There are bigger issues in this world than a celebrity death and if we all shifted our focus, just slightly, we may wake up and see this, but for now, I fear nothing will change and the next idiotic star death will shock us all over again, and other, more important things will undoubtedly be overlooked. That is truly a shame.

I'd love to hear your opinions on this subject, whether you think Amy Winehouse is deserved of the media attention more so than the victims in Oslo, or not!

Wednesday, 20 July 2011

The Jetson's did it!

It's seems that mans long awaited dream may have finally come to fruition. Now I know most of you will have lay awake at night, unable to sleep because the thought of owning your very own flying car just won't stop bouncing around your cranium, but you no longer need to suffer, because as of next year you will be able to purchase the Terrafugia Transition craft for a measly £150,000! Bargain, huh?

Check it out.


That is beauty right there. Imagine cruising down to Dover in that, and when you get there flipping the switch and onward to France! Pure bliss. The fuel consumption isn't too bad either, 500 miles on a single tank! Which I don't think that's not too bad for an aircraft!



However, I feel there may be some vital drawbacks to this Jetson-esque contraption. I'm not too sure that you'd be allowed to simply take off and land wherever you felt like it, "oo, darling looks like the M25 is chocker-block today, fasten your seatbelt!", and I assume you couldn't just go and pick one up from your local car dealership and drive/fly out of there on a standard U.K driving license, you may need some kind of piloting experience, although don't quote me on that. Also, there are far too many people who do not know how to drive on the designated pathways we have in place already, let alone letting people loose in the skies, it'd be mayhem! If I had a choice i'd rather have a fender bender at 30mph on the ground than a mid-air collision some 10,000ft+ in the atmosphere, I think the latter would hurt a lot more, and God knows what kind of insurance policy you would need for that bad boy! If you were one of the unlucky ones who couldn't afford one of these and were still stuck on four wheels only getting air from over-sized speedbumps you would have to be a Hell of a lot more vigilant, not only looking left and right at junctions, but upwards too, just to make sure some nutter in a flying car isn't going to land on your head!

In a perfect world this machine would be, well, perfect, but I don't see it taking off somehow!

Looks like i'll just have to stick to my imagination!

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Music or lose it, partner!

I believe that music is one of the most powerful things to ever grace our planet. Without music where would we be? What would the world be like? Empty, quiet, miserable?



I love music. I listen to many different genres, from Heavy Metal to Gangsta Rap and everything in between. As long as it sounds good I will happily let it infiltrate my lugholes. I find that having a broad music taste helps to make you a more diverse individual, different styles of music will help you learn about other cultures be it worldwide or if you want to understand what the hoodies are saying down the road, innit?

Sometimes I could be listening to a certain song or artist and I could be transported years back to a particular time in my live, and relive a specific memory, taste or even smell! Music has this power, and an overwhelming ability to change every little thing about life, and it's almost like we have an innate attraction to it, the beat runs through our veins like blood and sometimes even moves our body parts involuntarily! It can make us laugh, cry, rejoice and remember. Those notes can lift you up when you are feeling depressed, or bring you down when you were riding high, but more importantly it can even save your life! You hear a lot of accounts from people claiming that "Michael Jackson saved their lives", and perhaps you think to yourself, "how? He's only a singer.." and you'd be right in that sense, he was just a singer, but a singer who had an amazing gift for powerful song writing and drawing emotions from seemingly nothing. So, I can understand that in certain cases, perhaps in times of severe depression when someone is feeling suicidal, a song or particular piece of composition can completely alter the way you are thinking and feeling and stop you from making the wrong choice! It truly is a fantastic thing, and when I hear music I feel very thankful that I actually have the capability to do so. My world would be nothing without music, and I imagine your's wouldn't be much better!



It's one of the only things that is universal, and can speak to you in any language, and it can bring together people who otherwise couldn't understand each other!

I'd love to hear your thoughts and stories about how music has made a difference in your life, no matter how small.

"I think music in itself is healing. It's an explosive expression of humanity. It's something we are all touched by. No matter what culture we're from, everyone loves music."
-Billy Joel

Thursday, 14 July 2011

Shall we do it... doggy style?

It would seem that almost anyone can get married to anything these days.

Dogs in Peru are now at it too! A couple of pooch couples were walked down the aisle attached to their leads (I expect to stop them chickening out), by their "nervous" owners, the BBC news report stated.



This sham of a marriage was made legal when the hounds paw print was dabbed onto the matrimonial documentation.

This has got to be one of the most ridiculous things I've ever read. I really hate it when people treat their pets as though they are human, making them get married, dressing them in clothes, having conversations with them, and now it would seem making Facebook and Twitter accounts for them! I don't know what's more sad, the fact that you feel your dog is important enough to deserve a Facebook account, or that you have to pretend to be the dog in order for them to do so. "Rufus says hello" No, no he doesn't, you do! It's like a girls childhood game of dollies gone horribly wrong!

It's not only the dogs getting married, even more idiosyncratic behaviour has been witnessed when it comes to marriage. I recently read a story about a South Korean man who married his pillow, or better still, some mental woman in Germany marrying the Berlin Wall and then cheating on the bricks with a fence!



Marriage should be an act of love, proper love, between two human beings. You cannot marry an inanimate object that is not capable of loving you back, simply because you have have the personality of a sponge, and lack the social ability to find a partner within your own species!


Wednesday, 13 July 2011

Against The Floods Tour Diary.

Head over to my mates bands Tumblr Against The Flood and follow their latest tour diary to get a backstage look at a young, upcoming band bursting their way through the U.K metal scene.

Thanks!

Tuesday, 12 July 2011

Armadillo

I am a lover of powerful, hard hitting documentaries and I was not disappointed when a friend of mine recommended "Armadillo".



Monday, 11 July 2011

Couldn't think of a name.

So, King David and Queen Victoria have given birth to another baby, well, Victoria has mainly.



Their new baby girl was born on Sunday in LA, and has been given the absolutely ridiculous name of Harper Seven! That is not a name, what does it even mean? It seems that there is some crazed celebrity fad these days, whereby the celebs attempt to outdo each other with who can give their children the most horrific name! For example idiots Gwyneth Paltrow & Chris Martin have named their child Apple! They either have an undying love for the fruit or are shareholders, those are the only two reasons I'd name my kid Apple. However I think the award for the most stupid name out there has to be.. dun dun dunnnn:- Shannyn Sossamon & Dallas Clayton's sprog who has been given, lovingly no doubt, the delightful name of Audio Science Clayton. Well done parents, well done!

Thursday, 7 July 2011

Sisters are doing it for themselves.

My beloved sister, Sophie, think she's is extremely funny.

If you want to hear what she thinks about me and my habitual internet going ons go here!

Lewis McKenna needs to get off the internet

:-)

Extra, Extra! Read some fresh bullshit!

Up until a few years ago I was a keen and avid reader of Britain's newspapers, especially the "red tops" but not so much the broadsheets, after all they've got far too many big words and not enough pretty pictures for my little brain to comprehend.

Lately I have decided to boycott all newspapers simply because I am sick and tired of reading and believing things that turn out to be too politically left or right wing, and ultimately false.


           Buy no lies! 

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

Abortion, yay or nay?

The other night, in the pub, I was involved in a rather deep, and intense conversation with my friend about a very controversial, and touchy subject. So I thought I'd share my thoughts with anyone who cares to read it.

The topic which we were speaking of, was the big 'A', the life altering taboo that is 'abortion'.

We were discussing many aspects of this, such as, whether it's okay to abort a unborn fetus, if certain circumstances make it better or worse to have one, and at what stage does a fetus become a 'life'.

Let me start by stating, that I am pro-choice. I believe that it is a woman's right to decide to have a baby or not, however I do have a slightly hypocritical view on this and that would be down to the nature which the baby was conceived in and what quality of life said baby would be born into.

If the mother is at a stage where they can support another life within theirs, then I do not think abortion is necessary. If they were stupid enough to not use contraception and become pregnant then abortion is not necessary. If the baby has de-formalities found later on in pregnancy then abortion is not necessary. Just because you don't want a baby when you can support it financially, and mentally an abortion would just be selfish. *This is my opinion, please don't get too offended.



I believe that if a woman is raped and is then wrongfully impregnated with the spawn of an evil-doer, then why should she not be allowed the right to not give birth to a baby that when born, although she'd love it to death, she would still be reminded of how they were conceived, in hatred and violence, rather than love and happiness?

I also think that if the mother and/or father are not responsible enough (and by this I do not mean age wise) to bring up a baby then they shouldn't have one. If the mother is a crackhead and father a drunk, then what is that babies quality of life going to be? Yes, they could grow up to be the next manager of England, or the next Shakespeare but what is more likely, is that they are going to grow into the habitat where they have been born! I, for one, would rather have not experienced life than to live one that is filled with the hardships you'd witness living like that. Struggling for money to support a drug habit, stealing, fighting, hunger, sadness, a loveless home and extinguished morals.



The gift of life is fantastic, and a joy to experience, and some would argue that it is wrong to deny that gift to anyone, but I ask, can a fetus who has never experienced something really be missing out? This then raises another question, and that is 'at what stage does a fetus become a life', this is the hardest part of the abortion debate because everyone will have different opinions. My friend believes that life is created upon the sperm making a connection with the egg, and therefore life has been made and from this point onward an abortion would be wrong. I, on the other hand, believe that although the fetus is in the process of becoming a baby, it is not yet a life until it could stage a fighting chance of living outside of it's parasitical state in the womb, be it by machines or without. You wouldn't plant a seed and one day later dig it up and call it a rose, would you?

As I mentioned earlier, it is without doubt a woman's right to decided whether or not to terminate their child. This would be a hard enough decision without the pressure of peers and public judging her. Like these people in America who stand outside the clinics holding placards saying things like "murderer" and other slander. It is an utter disgrace that they feel like the guilting a woman into changing her mind will make anything better, then instead of their being a happy woman, there could potentially be a very unhappy woman, and equally as sad little baby.



What do you think on this topic? I'd love to hear you're opinions in the comment section below, be honest, be brutal, be anonymous, I do not mind.

Sunday, 26 June 2011

Thomson begs to be dropped to youth team.

So, Hearts footballer Craig Thomson, 20, has kept his position at the Scottish club despite being placed on the sex offenders list earlier this month. There's something wrong here is there not? I just can't seem to put my finger on it.

He was convicted and fined £4000 for 'indecent behavior' towards two girls aged 12 and 14 over the internet.

So, not only is he a sex offender he is a paedophile!

The retards at Hearts have kept him on, as there were 'mitigating circumstances that assures his conduct would not be repeated', oh yeah, I forgot about that bit of legal legislation. "Officer, I promise I'll never drink and drive again if you let me keep my license...and my beer!".

I've never heard of such nonsense, it's disgusting!

Saying that, what do you expect? Footballers are, after all, a higher life form than us mere peasants and are exempt from most laws in Britain. I think I may need a change of career, I mean, I can mis-control a ball, completely miss an open goal and break the law with the best of them!

Craig has issued an official apology on the club's website where he states that he is 'truly sorry' to have 'let everyone down'. I don't think that those burly Scottish fans can except that, somehow.

Anyone who is convicted of a sex crime, especially one aimed at children should not be allowed to keep their job, no matter what profession you are in.

I suppose he can't be too much of a threat to children at Hearts though, considering kids don't look up to shit players.

This is appalling, what next? "Gary Glitter does show at Thai McDonald's"?

Children's charity Children 1st have called for him to be sacked, and I am with them on that one! I wish him all the best.. cleaning streets!



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Saturday, 25 June 2011

Frank Turner'd my life around.

I've just bought Franks Turner's latest album: " England Keep My Bones " and I must say it's excellent, as expected!



Frank Turner's music speaks to me on a very personal level, I absolutely love it. The mixture of Folk, punk and refreshing raw emotive lyrics is just perfect.

Unlike many musicians, Frank Turner writes and sings about very ordinary, everyday scenarios. This is a welcomed relief in this day and age where everyone is so obsessed with their self centered materialistic objectives, dreaming of money, cars and bitches. Frank Turner's music teaches you to appreciate the life you have, not for what you could have. His outlook on life, love and death may seem bleak at a first listen, but grow maturely from there on after. If you take the time to listen, and I mean really listen, and try to put his lyrics into your own life, you will find that they are not drab, dreary and depressing but relevant, thought provoking and magically captivating.

I urge anyone who reads this to buy his latest album, and obtain his older albums such as " Sleep is for the week ", and " Love, ire and song ". If you like pure and honest music that reaches out of the speakers, grabs you and never leaves your brain then he is the musician for you.

His music will perforate your brain, and change the way you live your life, as it did for me! How many artists can you say that about, eh?

Take the time to watch the video below, this song is especially personal to me. It is about losing somebody close to you, but realising that life has to go on.

Enjoy!

Thursday, 23 June 2011

Human right, you're doing it wrong!

I am aware that I've already written a post today, but because I failed to please the Internet with one yesterday, I figured I'd write another.

As I have previously mentioned in earlier blogs, I think the world has gone mad. So this is my take on current world affairs.

With the release of Ai Weiwei, the Chinese artist and outspoken political critic who was, wrongfully, imprisoned for 2 months for campaigning for better human rights got my cogs turning. In recent years many influential people around the world have been rounded up and placed in confinement for exercising their right to the freedom of speech, many, without valid reasoning for their incarceration. Mr Ai was shackled up for 80 days without access to a lawyer or even a phone call to his family. Now tell me, is that or is that not a blatant disregard for a persons basic human rights? Many campaigns have been voiced about this and similar situations globally but yet, still nothing seems to be changing.


Ai Weiwei's fantastic Sunflower Seeds

Look at Libya for example. Literally hundreds of people have lost their lives protesting against an overpowering and unjust government. This is where it goes too far, when innocent human beings get killed by the very people who are in power to protect them. It's sheer and utter madness.


Libyan protesters.

There is a very distinct dissection between the West and the East when it comes to humans rights, and an even more prominent difference to protesting about said rights. If we have a think back to the London student 'riots' earlier on in the year, not one person was persecuted wrongly for their actions, and more to the point not a soul was shot, or beaten up for their beliefs of a better future. The ones who were charged were for the right reasons, because they broke the law, simple. Like that idiot who decided it'd be a fantastic idea to lob a fire extinguisher off of the top off a building into a crowd of people!



Organizations like Amnesty International do a great job, but are they doing enough? I don't think so. Actions don't always speak louder than words, but in these cases they definitely would. We as neighboring beings, have a duty, to stand up and shout shoulder to shoulder with others who are flat out refused their God given rights. More and more publicity is needed, many more protest have to happen, our voices need to be louder, so that one day, maybe, these tyrannous dictators will hear and, perhaps, change their ways.

To conclude, I think that we are in need of a massive revision into the way certain countries deal with even the most basic of human rights, in fact, I believe it is probably long overdue!

"I disapprove of what you say, but I will defend to the death your right to say it!" - Evelyn Beatrice Hall

Thank you for reading, i'd love to hear your opinions below.

Festival loo-natic.

Following on from my earlier rant about festivals, I've just read a rather disturbing yet strangely amusing story in today's 'Metro'.

A crackpot pervert thought to be a vagrant named only as 'Sky' was found hidden under a tarpaulin deep in the shit-tank under one of the porta-loo's at this years Hanuman Festival.

This failure of life was hidden there hoping to get a glimpse of people answering the call of nature.

When discovered and ordered to come out he was said to be wearing no shirt nor shoes and covered in Human excrement.

Police were unable to arrest the suspect on the scene and this scatman evaded capture and made off, still half naked and covered in shit, nice! The authorities say he is wanted on suspicion of 'unlawful sexual contact'...suspicion, what? "Sorry officer, I fell down the hole and thought I'd stay for a while, it's quite warm in here!" this dude's obviously guilty as sin.

It begs the question, how far would you go to get your kicks? I certainly wouldn't brave the stench and more importantly, several life threatening diseases of a cesspit just for a cheeky gander at a urinating woman or defecating man, quite frankly its disgusting, yet a quietly entertaining story. There are some strange, strange people in this world, oh, and you won't be surprised to read that 'Sky' is American.


Tuesday, 21 June 2011

Nice day for a muddy Reading.

Just how many festivals are there these days? There's absolutely millions of them it seems. Leeds, Reading, V, Bestival, Glastonbury, Hard Rock Calling, Wireless etcetera!

I've done the festival experience once, and quite frankly found it to be one of the most irritating, uncomfortable and tiring things I've ever done. First of all, you pay an absolute fortune to go to one of these places for the weekend, just to camp in a tent in a saturated field with thousands of over people and reach a feral state of hygiene towards the end of it. You stand around all day with nothing really to do, until the bands start playing and then you are forced to stand up for hours watching bands who you probably don't like anyway.



Then there's the queue for beers, and food. They are relentless, they cease to stop! I'm not really a fan of queuing anyway, but when standing in a line with strangers to buy a beer or burger for £5, it really gets my back up! More than likely your beer will get knocked out of your hand by some pilled up moron as soon as you've bought it anyway!

By far, the worst aspect of a festival has to be the toilets, or cesspits. Huge metal boxes on stilts above a colossal pool of excrement and piss! They expel a stench that would give a mass grave a run for it's money. No amount of sanitary wipes could kill whatever life which is harboring on the seat (if there is one). The toilets are pure and utter filth, and practically put me off for life!



There are plus sides to festivals, such as, seeing some decent bands, and meeting decent people, but in all honesty the best part of a festival experience for more was, going home!

Monday, 20 June 2011

Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner.

With it's deep, vibrant and all to often, violent history London is heaped with a mysterious aura that grabs an infectious hold on your collar and does not let go.



I love London, I cannot think of anywhere else in the entire world where i'd rather be. There is a certain charm to the city that far outweighs that of any other I have visited in the past. The winding cobbled back streets of Soho, the markets in Camden, to quaint little restaurants in Putney, all combined, make up, only a fraction of the millions of threads that weave together to build the intricate tapestry that formed this fantastic city.

There is also a ferociously dark history within the streets and walls of London Town. The Tower of London holds many horrendous tales of ordeals suffered within it's dungeons, torture, false imprisonment and death by hanging or beheading to name but a few. Jack The Ripper once had the whole of London in a frenzy, scared of the nighttime, afraid to walk alone out of fear of being attacked. He focused on young women, and often, after killing them would ,with almost surgical precision, remove their organs and to this day no-one really knows why. The days of the Black Death, when plague was writhe and the streets reeked of death, stale foods, and stagnant pools of human waste form a more detailed description into how horrible life in the city would have been. The Great Fire which spread trough this predominantly wooden town, almost destroying London in it's entirety. The fire, albeit extremely destructive turned out to be a blessing in disguise killing almost all the infestation of infected rats that carried the parasite which caused the plague.

I fully believe that London would not be the London that it is now without it's shadowy past. It has formed a rich blanket of culture that covers the fossils of old and replaces them with a new age of Londoners whose job it is to sustain the rough elegance that oozes from the streets, buildings, sewers and vast network of underground tunnels.

Within this new age, the past has not been lost. If you take the time to look up from the shiny exterior you will notice the older architecture that screams out that the London of old is still with us and is playing a huge part in the present day.


This picture practically epitomises the old and new combined!

All these things combined, to me make London the greatest city in the world. I love it, and I wouldn't want to live anywhere else. It's just a pity I can't afford to live in the thick of it all!

There is plenty more to this deep city, but unless I want to be writing all day, I think I will save that for another time, and leave you all with a quote from English poet and writer Samuel Johnson.

“You find no man, at all intellectual, who is willing to leave London. No, Sir, when a man is tired of London, he is tired of life; for there is in London all that life can afford.”
I am bored, and stuck for ideas, so I made a collage of things I like. :)

Sunday, 19 June 2011

Rabbi, dabby, doo!

A Jewish judicial court have ordered the stoning of a stray dog, who is believed to be possessed by the spirit of a lawyer who once offended the judges.



The dog entered the courthouse a few weeks back, and refused to leave. So then these extremely smart individuals figured it had to be a demon dog, and therefore should be stoned to death. What? It sounds plausible to me!

The spirit that was said to be haunting the poor doggy was that of a Lawyer who died 20 years prior to the event, but had to be the spirit causing all the bother because the judges had once said that the Gods would 'condemn his body to a dogs'.

This could only happen within a religion. It's so mental, it's unreal! It is even rumoured that one of the judges, obviously more cowardly than a dog, asked local children to carry out the sentence.

Luckily, the crafty mutt managed to escape shortly before the sentencing! Which is fantastic as well, not only were these idiots trying to condemn a dog to death, they were doing it to one that wasn't even present! Round of applause for those gents please!

It does make you think, that if they are stupid enough to pass ridiculous punishments out to dogs, then what else are they getting away with when it comes to dealing with humans? "Mary, you're going to have to die because you ate a cake that wasn't yours, and Hitler once ate a cake, so... yeah.. "

This world has truly gone mad.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

Small man's syndrome.

This little fella is now officially the worlds smallest 'man' according to the Guinness Book of World Records.



My God he is tiny! He stands a mere 23inches off the ground, which is about the same size as a one year old toddler, but amazingly he is 18 years old! This makes him 3 inches taller than previous record holder Khagendra Thapa Magar.



I think rather than measuring them they should, in the wise words of Harry Hill, FIIIIIIGHT! That would be absolutely quality, a midget fight (Can you even call these chaps midgets?) to determine the ultimate small man!

I'm not sure that being that small would be much fun at all, I doubt there's too much running around getting into mischief like in the films, I could imagine a lot of health issues and a life full of scrutiny and embarrassment.

Although, i'd like to have one, put them in my pocket and take him around with me like a little mascot. Sit him on my shoulder and just show him off. He wouldn't cost much either, he can't eat a lot of food, or need much water, and his clothes would be damn cheap!

In all seriousness, I wish these dudes a long, happy and fulfilled life, but failing that you could always embalm yourself and become a china doll and have pride of place on someones living room shelf!

Friday, 17 June 2011

Hello, want to rape me?

On the 11th of June 2011 the sluts were out in London town. There were thousands of them in Hyde Park. By 'sluts' I am, of course, talking about the Slut Means Speak Up! anti-rape and sexual assault protest group, who stand by the extremely "radical notion that nobody deserves to be raped".

I, for one, am with them 100%. The main reason for the march on the 11th of June, was to oppose that absolutely mental belief that some people have in their heads, that women "deserve what they get" due to the way they are dressed. I think that that belief is absurd! Just because a woman would go out wearing slightly revealing clothing does not give anybody the right to lay their hands upon them, or put any part of their body into theirs without consent, or am I just being ridiculous?

Does that mean that if I wear a Manchester United football kit out today, then I will be playing for Fergie next season? Or, if I don a pair of camouflaged trousers means I will be drafted into Afghanistan and forced to kill the Taliban? Of course not!

We all have that very basic right, you know the one.. a human right, to wear and say as we please so, tell me if you can, who are we to question somebodies choice of clothes or words?

Let me, if you will, outlay one point to counter. It could be argued that woman do not necessarily need to dress so provocatively, and that having all your flobbidy bits out on show probably does attract a certain amount of negative attention, and this unwanted attention from some of the nutjobs in this world, potentially could culminate in some sort of sexual assault, but even then it is in no way the woman's fault that a man wants to forcibly advance upon her because of the clothes she chooses to wear.

I do, however, feel that some woman wear skimpy, revealing clothes as a excuse for more attention but understand that others choose this attire to feel sexy, and feel better about themselves and not for any other reason. I think that woman are beautiful and would urge them not to put themselves an unnecessary risk of injury, and let males love you for your personality, your eyes, your hair and not just for the boobs, body and legs you have!

I'd love to hear other people opinions on this matter, and I do hope that I am not alone in my beliefs.

Click Here!

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

OAP'd myself again!

I believe that in this life there is only one thing that is scarier than death, and that is growing old...really old.

The reason I say this is because when you get too old life seems to almost revert back to the beginning, you become a fully grown adult-baby! Unable to look after yourself, and have limited control over your bodily functions, speech and memory. It just doesn't seem like fun!

If you are unlucky enough to get so old and suffer memory loss, and if you could remember, you'd probably have to question what on earth was the point in living and creating all those memories that would then have been forgotten! Seems almost pointless doesn't it?

Personally I would like to grow old gracefully and pop my clogs when I am still able to function with relative ease. I do not want a carer, Stenna stairlift or walk-in bath! I would, however, settle for a mobility scooter, and I would trick that bad boy out for sure!
"Is it a bird, is it a plane? NO It's grandad rolling in a 200bhp lazychair!"

Elderly people are pretty damn annoying as well (although it's not entirely their fault), they walk so slowly in the high-street that I'm surprised they actually ever get anywhere, they love a queue in the post office, and if behind the wheel of a car are downright dangerous! It drives me mad! There's nothing more infuriating than driving behind little old Betty in her old purple Ford KA driving at 20mph in a 40 zone, slowing down for green lights and sometimes not even seeing the red ones!

I do, however, feel sorry for really old people. Especially if they're life exceeds the grand old age of 100, because then all you get is a party which may kill you due to the excitement and a weak ticker, and a mass produced card from The Queen. Tell me, just what exactly is Betty supposed to do with that, Liz? It's not even useful, she probably doesn't even know who you are anymore, it's like giving a paraplegic a bloody treadmill!

I do have the utmost respect for the elderly, despite the negative attitude this blog suggests, without them, we would not be here living the lives of comfort we enjoy today, and plus, who else is gonna to buy those cardigans that only they seem to wear, and eat all the Werther's Originals?

Live your life to the full, make the most of it and if you reach the latter stages of the golden years do one thing, make sure you've written some of it down! :-)

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

Cool kids on the block.

Just what is the deal with these 'scenester' or 'hipster' kids that have popped up like a ravenous plague over the last few years?

Hipsters are people who have a large group of associates who all look alike but don't actually like each other that much. They have no real friends and bitch and back stab each other at the turn of a head, but yet despite this they are still super, awesome and cool. Alas they probably wouldn't describe themselves using those words, morelike, they are deep, free thinking trend setters. Better?

Cool Kids!

They walk around, strutting their stuff, or riding their 'fixey bikes' with a undeserved sense of self importance that could rival someone like Jordan's. They think that they are cool, and I can't understand why? Is it because they wear stupid T-Shirts with witty slogans on that they really don't care about like "Free Tibet" or "Meat is murder"? Or because they have 20-20 vision but yet wear lens-less over sized glasses? Maybe it's because they have a camera with them at all times which they most likely can't use, and edit all photo's on Photoshop to make them look 'vintage' and grainy?

Perhaps i'm just not 'hip' or 'stylish' enough to understand the need to 'stand out' from the other cool kids who look exactly the same as me, or listen to shit music which is cool because no-one 'normal' listens to it.

They are normally University hippies students, who recently learned about PETA, Greenpeace, or Amnesty International but don't care enough to actually help! Well, I suppose as long as you look like you do, then that's good enough, eh?

You are not cool if you are the only one who thinks that you are!

Dear Mr/Miss Hipster.

I hate to be the bringer of bad news but, this period of your life won't last too long. Soon it'll be time to spread your wings and leave the comforts of Shoreditch and be a big boy/girl, get some responsibilities and grow up. I'm sure that you are very sad at that horribly shocking news but you'll get over it. Write an acoustic song or poem, take some photos of shoes or vinyls, pry yourself out of your overly skinny jeans and have a lie down on your bed made from unicorn feathers. You will be just fine, I promise.

Sincerely, society.

Monday, 13 June 2011

Commuter says no.

I absolutely hate travelling to work on public transport. Give me the option and I'd far rather spend lots of money on diesel and sit in traffic then get on a packed train with all the other sheep! At least then you're in your own space, comfortable and in control.

Trains, trams and buses would be great if it wasn't for one little thing... everybody else! During rush hour they are a most impracticable yet unavoidable pain in the arse. You have to shuffle along like cattle led to slaughter, stand for ages on a overcrowded platform, or in the rain at poorly sheltered bus stops, then bundle on to the train or bus only to be squished and squeezed into one of the most awkward positions ever, tucked in nicely under someone's sweaty armpit. Then, to add insult to a very likely injury, you are repeatedly poked, pushed and nudged by people you don't even know, who think it's okay for them not to apoligise for scratching your eyeballs with their free newspaper!

If you're lucky enough to grab yourself a seat, then you are almost guaranteed to have an elbow wrestling match for the arm rest, or the even more pleasurable experience of having a stranger sleep on your shoulder!

packedtrain

In the summer trains are like saunas, and in the winter like freezers. The smell is a very noxious mixture of sweat, alcohol and homeless people's socks, which is extremely off putting! Buses normally come with a complimentary group of hoodies attached to the rear seats who play tinny rap music from they're, more than likely, stolen phones. Pushchairs, crying children and all to easily excitable and rowdy school kids often play a crucial role in making your daily commute less enjoyable than a funeral.

Now, don't think you can escape the fun, by having a little nap, because it's very probable that you could end up with no possessions left, or being happy slapped!

When you finally reach your destination, if nobody else fancies getting off, you have to fight your way past these unfriendly and unhelpful members of society who are either too stuck to move or too engrossed in their papers, books or music to even notice that you have said "excuse me, please" un-teen times! Then if you were quick enough to reach the doors when they were open, you are either ejected like some sort of ballistic and shot onto the platform or pavement as you rapidly pat yourself down to check if you still own what you owned when you boarded, or you are met with even more people who are too impatient to wait for you to get off before they start piling on in like some sort of crazed rugby game!

Out of rush hour, these problems rarely occur, but you still manage to encounter different nuisances. The most common one being, when sat in a train carriage with almost all the seats unoccupied without fail, some moron will still want to next to you, or is that just me? Maybe I have a stranger magnet in my bag that just attracts these people!

Unfortunately, all of us have to use these services at some point in our lives, and it's bound to get worse before it gets better. So I suppose we'll all have to just grin and bear it until then invent some sort of flying Jetson mobile or Teleportation, and I for one, can't wait!

Sunday, 12 June 2011

You've got to be Kidneying me?

Chinese teenager sells kidney for an Ipad

Did anybody see this story a little while ago? My lord, did it make me laugh!

This 17 year old fool kid, named Xiao Zheng, sold his damn kidney on the black market for £1,825, and if you ask me that's a fucking bargain! I've got to cash in on that, where the hell do I sign!?

Upon returning home with his brand new Laptop and Apple Iphone in tow (Yes Iphone, he didn't even get his precious Ipad!), his mother, suspicious of where the money to buy them had come from, quizzed him. Only to be told "Mum, i've sold my Kidney". What was he thinking? Did he think she'd laugh it off and go "Oh, you're are a silly boy, naughty naughty"? Obviously, this was not how she reacted, she called the po po in on his arse. To make things even better, when the police tried to call the middleman who arranged it all, surprise surprise, his bloody phone was off! Shocking, eh?

I think he may have taken the saying "Man, Ipads are to die for" too literally, I know Apple products are pretty cool and if you haven't got one you are seriously missing out, apparently, but I do not know anyone who would sell a body piece in order to obtain one!

Imagine the horror, when, potentially, his Father or Mother were to need a vital kidney transplant and he was the only available doner? Having to tell your own parents that they were going to have to die because you were too ignorant and self absorbed and sold one of yours already to buy a damn phone! I, for one, wouldn't want to be in that hospital room that's for sure!

I would maybe consider selling a finger (The little one, mind!) for a house or something of real significance, but not an Iphone! I mean, come on, those things will be out of date in a few months, and you'll be left with a shit phone, and one kidney! Smooth fucking move! Save some room at NASA, because this guy is a serious genius!

I wonder how much money Mr Zheng got for his brain, because he certainly doesn't seem to have one! Psst Xiao, maybe you could sell your other kidney to buy one of those bad boys? Just a thought..


Sweet scar, by the way!

Take some time to read Matt's blog.

A mate of mine has recently started blogging, and it's a nice read!

He's a very talented, yet brutally honest writer. Take some time to visit him, comment and share too!

Oh, the link!

http://whatsinbucklandshead.tumblr.com

Ta my pretties!



Saturday, 11 June 2011

Cramp my pride!

Passing your driving test is exhilarating, the sense of freedom is fantastic, being able to go wherever you want for the first time without any boundaries, providing you can afford the insurance and rising petrol prices these days, is a wonderful feeling for a young man to experience. So, why, I ask, do some young men decide to make their cars look like pure and utter shit? Do they not feel embarrassed rolling around in a 10 year old Corsa that looks like it has mated with a virus ridden transformer?




I admit, if done properly, 'souping up' a motor can look pretty sweet, but if done on job seekers allowance or government college grants it simply does not!

These crazy kids also love a massive exhaust! It looks like they've strapped a dustbin to the back of their car and drilled a couple of holes in to it. This results in the desired effect of sounding like a South African stadium full to the brim with Vuvuzala's whilst achieving a hefty cruising speed of 20mph! Ultimately making you look and sound wicked cool!

Almost all of these cars are equip with a spoiler, (spoiler being aptly named, i think!) normally consisting of a piece of stolen MDF, painted and glued to the boot having almost no impact to the cars streamlining capabilities at all! Why a car needs side skirts is beyond me too, it just seems like a lot of money to waste on something that'll get torn off by one of the many speed bumps that litter Britain's roads.

The stereo systems are super impressive as well, shaking the ground like Rick Waller fell out of bed! Normally poisoning our ears with some kind of Eastern European techno/rave compilation CD, that is 2 hours of pure and unrelenting beats, man! Tinted windows are also a massively important ingredient to the 'shit car recipe', most probably to hide your lobster red face from Joe public, or to stop you from seeing the fits of laughter that other roads users are in as your Nova rocks up to the lights!

There is nothing cool about buying a £700 car, and spending a further 1-2K on making it look like fallout from nuclear war in a Need For Speed game! Cars that are designed specifically by the manufacturers to look sporty, normally are, so please put the Fiesta away and leave it to the professionals! Now just sit back and enjoy the exhilaration that driving brings to you, without that sorry excuse of tin you call a ride!

Friday, 10 June 2011

Brains! Brains! Use your f&£k*^g brains!


I have just read a very strange and interesting story on the BBC News website which made me laugh, and I thought I'd share the funnies with you all!

A concerned member of the public has contacted Leicester city council and voiced their anguish at their lack of 'zombie attack' preparedness in the councils emergency plans! Well, of course, in this day and age of international terrorism, bio-attacks, global swine and other animal flu pandemics, tornados, flash floods and rapture warnings, I'm sure a zombie attack plan is greatly missed!

I have never heard such a ridiculous thing in all my life! This person is obviously an idiot, hell bent on disrupting normality with their crackpot theories!

I have seen around the interwebs a lot of zombie attack websites and always thought that these were joke sites and still hope that they are, but evidently some degenerates are taking it all too seriously!

I personally don't think anyone need worry and sleep restlessly at night panicking about an imminent and unavoidable attack from the undead anytime soon, the closest we've got at the moment is the drones of seemingly moronic brain eaters on a Piccadilly Line train in the morning!

Has this person never seen 'Shaun of the dead', 'Zombieland', or 'I Am legend'? An all out zombie society could be fun, stealing Mustangs, shooting shit up like a crazed Rambo, rolling around with your best mates, a sexy chick or really cool dog sounds fucking amazing!

Thursday, 9 June 2011

Totally addicted to Face(book).

I think the internet has taken over my brain, its trapped me into a world that isn't real, a world that is driving us all to social suicide, and that world is, Facebook!



I know, that most of you reading this will have got the link via Facebook, but that's the only way to advertise my ramblings!

Facebook, has got me in it's tight, social grip and the bastard isn't letting go! I find I check it when I wake up, before I go to bed, on the train to work, at work, on the toilet and if it weren't for the possibility of ruining my phone, I'd check it in the bath! What I have realised, by hiting F5 all the time, is that nothing really changes, yet I still check, and when something does happen, it's normally not very exciting like "Dave Jones just ate tomato soup!" and I still hit 'like!'.

Then there's this 'fraping' thing that people always do, which is annoying. People and their half-hearted attempt at being funny. If you're gonna do it, do it right! Not "Dave Jones licks balls" that is not funny, and it's very obvious what has gone on. You need to be inventive and make it subtle so that people actually believe it to be true!

I need something to get over my Facebook addiction, perhaps i'll go out and meet real people in coffee shops or car parks? Have a real conversation using words rather than the rattling of a keyboard.

Facebook is a great tool for socializing, it's wicked to arrange or organise a night out, and to speak to people whom you lost contact with years ago, but it's bad for letting every Tom, Dick and Harry know all about you and your business!

I would try and delete Facebook for a week or so, but I actually think it may be too hard. I'll have to ween myself of off Facecrack and move onto a lesser addictive, like Myspace, or Bebo. This way I can work my way, slowly, off of social networking sites and get on with my life!

I may not have 500 millions friends like Mark Zúckerburg, and I don't need to, I can actually see my friends, and after all, you can't have a cheeky pint and a night out with a computer screen! Just ask this guy;

Tuesday, 7 June 2011

Rest In Fleece.

I hope you are all sitting comfortably as I have some very sad news to share with you all.. Shrek the sheep has died!

Have no idea who Shrek the sheep is/was? Good, because, neither did I!

Everybody, this is Shrek;



Shrek, this is everybody;



Right, now the formalities are over and done with, I can get on with telling you about this sheep. As you can tell by the photo old Shreky does not like haircuts much, yes sir, no sir, no bags full! Shrek managed to avoid the shears for 6 years by hiding in caves in New Zealand, thus making him a celebrity!

I can understand why this sheep was a bit famous, but I think they're are taking it a bit far when they start referring to him as having "...an unbelievable personality. He loved children and he was really good with the elderly in retirement homes." Hello, New Zealand? It's a fucking sheep!

He was put down recently, due to 'age related illnesses', or more than likely having too much hair, and overheating! I am willing to put money on the fact that this sheep is probably better off now, than before. I can imagine it was a horrible life being chased around caves for 6 years, like an extra from a Benny Hill sketch, by a maniac holding some shears! Having to meet old people are children couldn't have been fun either, because all they'd want to do is touch you, and I think it'd make Shrek feel cheap, dirty and used!

Shrek had helped raise over £75,000 for children's charities and his fleece was long enough to make 20 mens suits, in that case I reckon it was Louis Vutton chasing him around for so many years!

So join me if you will, in a moment of thought for Shrek. He was an iconic kiwi, loved by many, a hero and a pioneer, and I bet, he tastes bloody excellent with mint sauce!